The “36 questions that lead to love” are explained in this recent blog. They are a concrete list of 36 questions by American psychologist Arthur Aaron that aim to predict odds of attraction and long term relation potential. This is simply the full list of the 36 questions.
*** These 36 questions are, by far, best administered with professional supervision. A minimum of coaching on their nature and how they are analysed is usually a pre-requisite to administering them. Please consider the questions below for your own knowledge and culture but contact a psychologist or therapist to pass them and have them properly interpreted. ***
36 questions that lead to love (Set I)
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
36 questions that lead to love (Set II)
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
36 questions that lead to love (Set III)
36 questions that lead to love: Kissing lesbian couple
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Final task / suggestion: What to do after you answered love’s 36 questions
If you ever made it that far, there is one last task that is recommended as part of the whole experience of answering the 36 questions that lead to love. It is not another probing question, but for some it can be even more challenging: Staring at each other in the eyes without saying a word, for four minutes. This may seem anecdotal but it is not.
Body language conveys a huge amount of information, some conscious some not. Body language communication is huge, conveys more and more unique communication and lies not just in vision or touch or smell. We rarely spend time looking at each other. In nature an eye contact of > 80-90% is rare, it usually denotes an imminent attack. If you look at felines about to strike, they inevitably stare nearly 100% of the time before attacking a prey. It is one of the reasons why we often feel uncomfortable when someone is staring at us (“What are you looking at?”…)
Similarly power dynamics across the entire animal world usually revolve around basic eye contact models: The dominant/hunter animal looks up, defiantly, whilst the prey or the submissive pack member looks down or away. This is not what we want here.
In the safety of a therapist room, or at the very least a safe place, or a safe common friend, you and your (potential) partner, can hold stare for extended periods of time. This is no staring contest, there is no prize, no domination or submission required, only deeper knowledge of each other and what the future could hold for you. Staring for four minutes will take you through different cognitive lenses, from awkwardness, to boredom, to eventually, relaxation and probably a deeper sense of connection.
