Sociopathy is often better described as ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).
The purpose of this piece is educational and not advisory. Individuals’ psychologies differ not just in terms of “conditions” but also temperament, perspectives, histories, world views, etc. No blog can ever replace a consultation with a qualified professional.
Still, since sociopaths notoriously oppose therapy, we thought we would share common tell-tale signs if at least for their partners who often experience serious distress. (If you are curious as to the differences between Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy click here)
The first “big 3”:
- Lack of empathy
- Lack of personal integrity/guilt
- Lack of emotional connectivity
In truth sociopaths have lowered emotional life across the board. They are famous for “keeping their cool” precisely because the feel little, structurally, at any time. But the most meaningful emotions for a relation are probably empathy, honesty and groundedness/connectivity. And so these are the big three that will go structurally missing, driving the partner into one sharp object after another (and to a lesser extent the sociopath too).
We group up these first three together as they cause most of the every hurts of living or working with a sociopath.
1- Lack of empathy alone is a major, often deal breaking, issue in relations as it guarantees that the empathic partner will get hurt time and again. The sociopath is someone who “in good faith” cannot foresee basic emotional needs or provide organically-felt emotional consideration.
They just do not have that emotional connection or “feedback” when they are about to hurt someone, that most people have. They do not much feel the hurt they are causing or (2 below) they dont much feel private shame for their actions. Two key feedback mechanisms that help healthy relationship proceed, evolve and grow.
2- Lack of internal integrity. Highly political and attuned to political wrangles, they often act charmingly in public and toxically in private. And they see no issue with that either, obviously.
They commonly say something (bask in the verbal credit of that claim) and then… do not do that thing that they promised. Or do the opposite. In every case you confront them you will find them typically with a “story” at the ready as if they had unconsciously prepared their defence should they get “busted”. They rare or never say thank you or sorry.
And another peculiarity is that no matter how many times you catch them, in the act (lying, misleading, sabotaging, etc.) they rarely change their ways at all. Sometimes very soon after, right in front of you. Their narcissism is often such that they just cannot remember their words and engagement when confronted to a choice whereby they may get a reward right now. Which they will always take, or an overwhelming majority of the times.
The sociopath, feeling less organically, has “maps” in his/her head, or processes he/she follows. They can easily lie, or “rationalise” their actions to themselves, their mind constantly thinking in the background of what facts to gaslight, history to rewrite, lie to say etc. to get exactly what they want and feel no private guilt for it.
In this way it seems often they’d rather do exactly what they always want, quite like narcissists in this way, get busted (or not, they do not worry much about the future and play odds). And if caught, well, tell a story. If the story sticks fine, if it doesn’t well, a telling off and on they go again! There is very little owning and very little learning with sociopaths.
3- Lack of emotional connectivity:
This is in a way maybe the most fundamental aspect of all. Sociopaths are often extremely good at “mimicking” emotions when in public. In truth, they are so good at that mimicking that it often looks better than the real thing. To the naked eye they often come across as warm and caring, empathic and emotionally available. To the sociopath, morals are an external thing, in many ways. It is what they can “act” as, in their view. Similarly they have no qualms acting kind and honest in public, and immoral and dishonest in private.
Furthermore, partners who were in relations with a sociopath often report a common theme of “once they have you around their finger they show no interest”. Forget for a second the manipulation, the lying, the lying by omission, gas-lighting all sorts of fallacies that sociopaths “do” to their partners. They also do not take a real interest in them, they just cannot really “feel” this way. Some might feel some kind of affection at times, but it is still a long way off reasonable expectations (they would not typically talk to their partner once in the relation, or ask how their day went or anything like that).
So not content with having to deal with structural issues, tension, fights, exhaustion the partner also finds after a few years when masks truly fall, that their partner does not really care about them, denying them the basic rewards of a relation (intimacy, solidarity, care, sense of shared destiny, emotional support, etc.)
4- Extreme subjectivity:
Every sociopath is a narcissist (but not all narcissists are sociopaths), a point worth remembering here.
People dealing with a sociopathic partners often report their extreme subjectivity. For argument’s sake, if psychonormative couples may argue about a topic and disagree along a 40/60 (partner A) 60/40 (partner B) different of opinion, sociopaths typically “go for the jugular” and pretty go for 100-0. They claim outlandish, maximum statements, quite like a tough businessman who understand that in terms of game theory, emotions aside, take a hardball approach is often a winning strategy.
Problem is, as for many things sociopaths do, what is barely OK in business life, is just not OK in couple life. In a couple it is important to feel broadly heard, even if one may disagree at times on how to do things, or decision making.
The sociopath is also often a narcissist, which coupled to his lack of shame/empathy makes for a heady mix, when it comes to the every day of a relation, to compromising intelligently, to acting in good faith, to problem-solving etc.
The sociopath goes “all out” with their private partner, which whom they often have a near parasitic relationship (though they may “from the outside” to appear kind and caring to their partner).
5- Poor boundaries:
The narcissist in the sociopath often craves attention and will find it where it presents itself. For example it may mean that they may keep unreasonable communication with exes for example, despite enjoying on the other hand the benefits of a solid honest relation. Anyone who has dealt with narcissists will also agree that they do odd things to us, such as trying to seduce everyone they meet. To the narcissist a new person (stranger, waiter, etc.) is a beautifully blank canvass that they want to paint with their brand of exaggerated charm.
They will also act defensively if challenged with objective facts about this kind of inappropriateness and lash out, blaming the partner of cynicism, jealousy, etc. where they are simply trying to keep a healthy relation going.
It often takes other manifestations through other relations: Sociopaths often “charm” in a transactional “service swap” a few people around them if at least to appear socially successful. On closer inspection these “quasi-relations” are often barely disguised exchange of services, I am nice to you and you are nice to me and we never engage very authentically.
Obviously when a new partner starts dating the sociopath, the other “friend” often lashes out jealously or unfairly at him/her. When the empathic partner in time complains and tries to resolve this, the sociopath who will typically deny the entire thing in bloc. Or try to blame the empath with (given the context) cruel accusations of “seeing evil everywhere” or “hating everyone” and other broad statements. And that is often despite the empath making clear, objective points. This can only serve to build further resentment, disconnection and bitterness in the relation.
6- Extreme transactionality:
To the sociopath, everything is “in game”. A sociopath often ascribes value to most things, cannot really “give” without strings attached. This feeling is often hard to pin down but exists very much at the intuitive/gut-feeling level of the partner of the sociopath. You cannot put your finger on it but… things seems always “counted” and not even counted fairly either.
Sociopaths see the world in many ways as a large Profit / Loss account: What does profit them? And what does mean a loss to them?
Whilst that may seem almost normal, sociopaths take this to toxic extremes:
“I did X so I have the right to Y” is a common thought fragment for sociopaths. They estimate the value of what they did in good, and they derive in their mind a corresponding estimate “in bad” of what they “can” do “morally”. The problem happens when they go for such things as “I earn more than her so I have the right to cheat” or “I look more after the kids so I have the right to lie” etc.
7- Poor / Overly political Communications
The sociopath always has a keen eye for politics, and will typically try to control “the narrative” of the couple. By being radically different in public, to maximise public perception gain. But also in what they choose to / not to communicate.
Sociopaths often only communicate what they want / and hear what they want. This can take shape in an obvious example: sociopaths often renege on deals, or only remember “the half they liked” of an agreement to the despair of their partners.
But it goes deeper than this.
Sociopaths are experts at “managing” communications to always maximise their position. Sociopaths in some way are always on alert for information, gleaning the right one and not revealing what they think is detrimental to their interests. The problem here is that sociopaths push also this to an extreme. To the point for ex. where they will deny themselves the appreciation of what their partner does, in order to “justify” what they are currently plotting. To them helping them is often irritating, they find ways to take away from it, because all the good the partner does feels like a + in their column (and so a – in that of the sociopath, in their mind).
8- Risky behaviours
A staple and defining factor of ASPD is a history of risky behaviours (drugs, risky sex, physical confrontations).
Whilst that would apply to many traits and conditions, it is also a thing for sociopaths. They see the whole world as some kind of game, and are less held back by their emotional compass. Sociopaths are for example often “drawn” by criminals (when they are not themselves) where most other people would somehow remove themselves from that kind of relation at some point.
Sociopaths are often impulsive, they struggle to prioritise long-term reputation or quality of life, over immediate satisfaction of their need. They typically seek reward in full and right now. They do not mind using people, breaking trust or lying to get what they want which can obviously lead to complications in the real world too at some point. Sociopaths who are better able to mask their intent and bring some awareness to long term losses, can fare very well in the business world. Those who are particularly poor at weighing up future consequences are however often found in prisons. Sociopaths make up 1-2% of society at large, but this rate bolts to 25% for inmate populations.
If you suspect you exhibit sociopathic traits or are dealing with a sociopath, the best thing to do is simply to seek professional help. Whilst there are no particular “cure” for sociopathy, and whilst sociopaths are famously refractory to therapy, a variety of coping mechanism and emotional support can effect positive change and awareness building.
