Covert Narcissism and Overt Narcissism are the two sides of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Overt Narcissism is traditionally associated with striking behaviors around admiration seeking, limelight hogging and grandiose aims, backed by open manipulation and conflict.
However, another type of narcissism, harder to spot, also exists: Covert narcissism. It aims for the same goals (ultimate grandiosity, double standards, using others, etc.) It is however subtler, more passive-aggressive, and less seeking of immediate limelight attention.
This form of narcissism can be harder to identify than overt narcissism, which is louder, more direct and open in terms of demand, visible manipulation, readiness for conflict, and obvious boundary violations.
As a result of its relative difficulty of diagnostic, covert narcissism can be extremely damaging to the victim over the long term. Typical emotional damage includes depression, long term anxiety and guilt, loss of physical health, exhaustion.
It is important to develop a higher sense of awareness around covert narcissism, to be able to protect yourself from covert manipulation which can be extremely profound, once again, over a long time period.
What is covert narcissism? 
A covert narcissist (also known as “vulnerable narcissist”) in real life, is a less obvious manifestation of a more “overt” narcissist or traditional NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
If less obvious it is no less harmful, and meets entirely the core diagnostic, common to overt narcissism: Abuse of boundaries, securing unfair resources, double standards, grandiosity, blame-shifting.
Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists do not necessarily seek the limelight, a rare but key distinction in how they manifest NPD. Like their counterparts, they still nourish grandiose designs, show hypersubjectivity and double standards, as well as blame shifting.
However they are less obvious in how they do it and rely more on passive-aggression and a heady mix of strong sense of their right and of self-victimisation.
Typical symptoms of Covert Narcissim
- Insecurity and inferiority: Covert narcissists tend to come from strict backgrounds where they may have been made to feel inferior and unsafe in their early years. They adapt by showing confidence but carry this emotional insecurity as well as this behavior which they learned from a young age.
- Passive-Aggression: Covert narcissists are even more mindful of their self-image than overt narcissists. As such they tend to express aggression and hostile behavior in roundabout ways, passive aggressive comments, neglect and blame.
- Auto-victimisation: Covert narcissists often rely on victimisation, using people and context to depict a narrative where they are the victim.
- Silent superiority: Covert narcissists believe they are better than others, but do not claim it openly.
Psychological origins
Covert narcissism is often born during early life, although like other personality disorders, it may also have roots in heredity and genetics. There is wide consensus that early life in any case has a big impact on the odds of individuals developing into covert narcissists.
Precocious life interactions, over-protection or hyper-criticism can contribute to its prevalence. Covert narcissists tend to come from family units with parents emotionally absent, severe or incoherent in their upbringing, robbing their children of sound self-esteem and internal validation.
As always the impact of a parent with a personality disorder on their children can be both direct or indirect or both.
In terms of direct impacts, the child raised by a covert narcissist himself may either integrate the behavior to use it (becoming perpetrator) or to empathise with it later (and become a victim to another covert narcissist).
Manifestation of covert narcissism in relations
As for all NPD behaviors, covert narcissism behaviors always involve another, a social element. A resource to sack. A lover to exploit. A narrative to control. Covert narcissists can be much harder to manage than overt ones yet, since their behaviors are subtler but just as toxic.
Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists shy away from a fight in a public place. Their general approach to life is as noxious but much more discrete and private.
- Emotional manipulation: Covert narcissists excel here, using guilt trips and blackmail (often disguised as “standing on principle”) to control their partners.
- Sensitivity to criticism: Any criticism however productive or tactful is met with extreme defensiveness and/or affection withdrawal/denial.
- Lack of empathy: Covert narcissists also struggle to feel empathy for others, focusing mainly on their own feelings and emotional needs.
- Dependence: Covert narcissists are often dependent on others for their own emotional support and regulation. They also deeply rely on others for validation, though they project an outer appearance of confidence and independence.
Impact on mental health
Being involved in a close relation with a covert narcissist can have lasting impact on mental health, particularly due to its insidious nature. Covert narcissists are experts are narrative control and typically keep their partners in states of inferiority, confusion and self-doubt.
Partners of covert narcissists typically experience:
- Diminishing self-esteem: Constant criticism and subtle denial of the partners’ skills and contributions can lead to a significant loss of self-worth and sense of self-reliance.
- Anxiety, Depression: The emotional roller coaster, common to all NPD, can trigger lasting anxiety, stress, and occasionally clinical depression.
- Loneliness, isolation: Despite being “in a relationship” partners of covert narcissists often feel lonely and abandoned.
Coping strategies
Managing, being married to, or working with a covert narcissist requires patience and a strong sense of self. If context cannot be changed or the covert narcissist can not be avoided, here are a few coping strategies:
- Seek help and support: Therapy is invaluable when it comes to managing the complex emotions and mental exhaustion typical of surviving covert narcissists.
- Set boundaries: It is crucial to establish firm boundaries and limits. Decide and communicate what behaviors you will tolerate and which ones you will not, and stick to them. Enforce them whenever possible.
- Learn and develop: Understanding narcissism, and recognising its motives and patterns can help managing interactions more effectively.
- Look after yourself: Prioritise your emotional and physical wellbeing. Engage in bonding hobbies that replenish your energy. Treat yourself to a good massage. Eat that healthy salad. Take that revitalising jog. Don’t get cut off. Don’t go down.
Conclusion
Covert narcissism poses unique problems, mostly as its signals are not as visible or grandiosely dramatic as in overt narcissism.
Ironically, this makes the covert narcissist maybe a bit more dangerous than the overt narcissist over the long term, if at least in the sense that he is much harder, and longer to spot.
By the time victims become more aware of cover narcissist patterns, they have often spent years in the abusive, exhausting, damaging relationship.
Covert narcissists on the other hand, are notoriously more unstable relationally, alternating faster and/or with more friction.
Recognising the signs of covert narcissism is the first step to mitigating its impact.
Whether in a professional, familial or romantic relationship, a higher awareness of covert narcissism can help you make better relationship decisions, and manage situations more effectively.
Dealing with a covert narcissist is not only about better coping skills, it is also about better decision making, and about maintaining more proactively your own mental health in potentially toxic environments.
