“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald, This side of paradise, 1920
Intimacy, maybe our favorite emotion:
Intimacy is one of the most beautiful parts of a relationship and one that deep down most of us most crave. It is also, in a yin-yang of psychology, an emotion so precious to us, that the prospect of losing it can terrify us. To the point of not daring even experiencing it. It is the safety of behaving naturally in a meaningful and authentic relationship. It is the absence of shame and the selfless sharing of fate, support and care given without counting, without “transacting”.
Intimacy is the stuff of love, whether in friendship, romance, or family. Intimacy is connection it is the right side of “togetherness”, not conformism or peer pressure, but genuinely shared purpose, shared fate, shared sense of narrative.
Intimacy is a sweet surrender, described by most of the world’s religions. In paleontology it is the positive social/psychological evolution that bound our ancestors closer together for enhanced survival.
Intimacy is equal parts innate and acquired.
It is innate in that, in order to experience intimacy two partners must share a certain psychological “fit”. Whether that fit is always positive or helpful always has to be explored, but it is undeniable that there is a natural fit required.
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; – it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”
– Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility – 1811
It is acquired in that, in order to experience intimacy two partners must share a base minimum of emotional intelligence, confidence, respect, understanding and freedom.
Intimacy is typically much more resilient as a psychological phenomenon than passion or lust. Intimacy is hugely beneficial to who experiences it. It allows an individual to reveal vulnerabilities, express doubt and remorse, admit mistakes and insecurities and a host of things always helpful to explore openly rather than “bottle”.
Intimacy & Couples’ therapies:
Couples’ therapies can be particularly challenging because they involve two individuals each with their own psychology. And add to that as third party if you will, their interaction itself. It can be challenging enough to know oneself, let alone as part of a couple, as a protagonist in the moving winds of a relation, evolving in time. So, depending on the situation we sometimes suggest to see two clients separately to at first.
This idea is to spend a few sessions to map out at high level at least, the psychological profile of each patient. What ails them, what angers them, what do they complain about, what do they ascribe value to, where do they find meaning, what was their childhood and family dynamic, etc. Such one-on-one therapy time can greatly help solving “upstream” to the couple, some inherited issues, learned helplessness, misguided scripts and much more. Because to experience intimacy one must have a
How authentic is that relation, how helpful are the defense mechanisms of each partner? No one is perfect, and no relation is easy – the better questions concern how we interact, how we support each other in times of need. Simply, how we understand each other. That we love each other enough to listen to each other. What issues prompt two loving individuals from working together to working against each other? When do they support each other and when do they behave with co-dependency?
All of these questions are at the heart of intimacy.
Intimacy: Do’s and Don’ts
Here’s a quick list of do’s and don’ts to give you a clear head start:
Share and empathise. Intimacy is essentially a relational emotion. Sharing more of your interests and thoughts can build a sense of common narrative in a couple.
Listen. Listening skills are in our experience, one of the most famous yet commonly lacking. Everyone knows that we should listen more and yet few of us manage to. We can meditate to learn to focus and be more grounded. Anything we can do to listen helps the “shared understanding” that is central to intimacy.
Entertain and support emotionally. Too often we make the mistake of disappearing down a “rational” rabbit hole. In truth most of our life is emotional, and it is important to develop awareness of the energy we emote. You do not need to believe in vibrating crystals, to see plainly that some times our energy can be supportive or dependent for example. Learning to be more aware of our energy is a key step to supporting our partners emotionally. A bit of wit, a bit of mmphf, a bit of self-deprecation can make a situation much easier to bear.
Don’t control. Another common challenge is struggling to let things go enough. Many of us hang on to events too much, to the point that we can deny our partner’s full freedom. Learning better boundaries and how to let go harmful control is hugely beneficial.
Don’t hide. We are all allowed a secret garden but beware that it does not turn into a cemetery of unpleasant, disconnecting thoughts. It is one thing to have boundaries and not share all, but it is another to hide vital information or emotions. Intimacy requires a minimum of transparency, lest all secrets come to surface in rougher seas than needed.
Don’t disappear inside your head. We all have a tendency to ruminate unhelpful thoughts, with varying awareness of it. When rumination gets excessive the mind cannot “connect” any more with the outer world. Thoughts become the map, rarely refreshed by real life and grounded experience. A common solution is meditation, which helps patients become more aware of their “scripts”. To create a small mental “gap” between themselves and their thoughts, and realise that they are not their thoughts.
Intimacy in the modern world
Intimacy has been challenged in modern times by the arrival of a variety of technological and social disruptions.
Intimacy and technology
We love technology but it is obvious that it can sometimes bear questionable results on the human psyche. Our culture of immediate results, daily stock exchange swings and on-demand services, the time required for intimacy seems under siege.
Smartphones are fiendishly addictive and their never-ending delivery of micro-doses of dopamine effectively prevent human interaction for a growing proportion of daily time. Light pollution, noise pollution, air pollution, technology and intimacy have always had a fraught relationship.
Intimacy and the rise of solitude
Intimacy has also been under siege in modern times in mechanical terms, by the rise of solitude. Old age care homes have replaced familial traditions of keeping the elder in the family till the end. Divorce rates have risen across the western world to just over 50% on average. Villages and churches which for timeless generations provided a common experience are being replaced by urbanisation and its proven “solitude in big cities” phenomenon.
Intimacy and environmental challenges
Our planet is on a demographic rise seemingly infinite. We know full well that our planet is a finite asset that cannot support unfettered exponential growth for ever. But we carry on as a species, each of us trying to yank the blanket to himself faster in a heightened world stage for economic competition or cultural hegemony.
Meanwhile human densities across the world never cease to increase, removing the space that is also required for a feeling of privacy and important part of intimacy. Environmental challenges now weigh heavy on many youngters’ minds, and probably with some reason. At a time when the world needs more than ever to come together in a shared effort, culture wars and nation states stoke division and distrust.
“I hate solitude, but I’m afraid of intimacy. The substance of my life is a private conversation with myself which to turn into a dialogue would be equivalent to self-destruction. The company which I need is the company which a pub or a café will provide. I have never wanted a communion of the souls. It’s already hard enough to tell the truth to oneself.”
Iris Murdoch, Under the net – 1954
