Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a subject that often provokes curiosity and concern. Narcissists are relatively common in the population but the term also acts as an occasional insult making any discussions around the topic sensitive. Let us examine in more detail what NPD is.
Note: NPD is the more modern and scientific appellation for what used to be called simply “Narcissism” and both will be used interchangeably. NPD is the modern scientific term, used by modern global peak bodies and their diagnostic guidelines like the DSM5-TR. It is a different way to conceptualise narcissism but this blog being aimed at the general population we will also speak whenever needed in plain English and prefer “narcissism” or “narcissist”.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Symptoms & Behaviours
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is marked by a relentless quest for status and attention, a tendency to grandiosity and lack of empathy, generating relational friction. Narcissists, in simple terms, instead of seeing a fair transaction at 50/50, see it “fair” only at 80/20 in their favour. They truly, vitally, always seek to get a bigger slice of the cake than their fair share, in so many words, and convince themselves of their righteousness in doing so.
This differential (the simplified 30% difference between a fair transaction/argument at 50/50 and a NPD one at 80/20) between what the NPD feels is fair, and what is fair, is called narcissistic supply. Somehow the narcissist, almost literally, needs to “drain” his or her environment, to get always more than what is fair.
The impact of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is substantial on the individual who will typically lead lives poor in relations, stability and sense of self-worth. However the impact may be bigger yet on their partners (romantic partners, family, co-workers etc.) involving long-term abuse and warping of worldview.
We will explore and define NPD in this blog in this manifestations and symptoms, in its impacts and treatments (for self and partners).
Traits and Manifestations of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
NPD as a personality disorder goes way beyond self-confidence or self-love. It implies a grandiose vision, a belief in ones special status and innate superiority on others.
- Grandiosity: NPD people often display an elevated sense of their skills or achievements. They often borrow others’ successes or exaggerate key aspects of their own.
- Need for admiration: Narcissistic Personality Disorder behaviour often involves flattery and compliments, often sent out by the NPD with a view to receive (transact) one back, directly or for the longer term. NPD’s often “fish” for compliments or show extreme defensiveness to reasonable criticism.
- Low Empathy: Narcissists need to “supply” themselves and in doing so manipulate, mislead, withhold information, shift blame or many other behaviours, in which they are “helped” by their low levels of empathy. Not being naturally able (or interested) to recognise others’ needs, or downgrading others’ needs when they clash with their exaggerated expectations, is typical of NPD’s.
- Using people / Abusive relationships: Using others (their dignity, money, time, resources, etc.) is common in NPD, who have less qualms about denying someone else’s reasonable agency. Narcissists see others less as sentient beings and more as potential sources of supply. They do not usually care for their emotional states or needs, and will routinely manipulate them to reach their ends.
Typical behaviours – Narcissism (NPD) 
Narcissistic Personality Disorder individuals spend unusual time and resources to manage their self-image and how they are perceived. They also spend more energy and relationship capital on securing an unreasonable amount of resources. Combined to their low empathy, this typically translates into regular conflict, blame, shifting allegiances for whoever is deemed to not meet their supply standard.
- Emotional Manipulation: NPD’s are often capable of manipulation, keeping a deliberate secrecy and ambiguity around their actions, options, what they understood or shared. NPD’s are often capable of having “bespoke” relations with one person, only to serve one purpose/goal. That relationship may be beneficial (or not) to the other party, but NPD’s can easily compartment their emotions and roles for each person they may want to use, in specific ways.
- Enviousness, Jealousy and Competitiveness: NDP’s struggle to celebrate the successes of others. To them, someone’s else success is somewhat either a slant or disservice to their own status seeking. An NPD feeling envious may find fault with the successes of a peer, limiting their achievement and sapping its significance. Putting them down bolsters them emotionally somewhat and in terms of internal gain for the NPD, mitigates the burn of envy.
- Hyper-sensitivity to criticism: Some criticism can be abuse, some can be reasonable feedback, essential to maintaining any relation. Our ability to share hurts, needs, and healthy, fair criticism when needed is vital to long term relational health. NPD’s however present a double challenge in that
- a) they have less qualms doling out unfair criticism if it works for them, and
- b) they are also much more sensitive to receiving criticism. For a NPD, criticism is kryptonite. They strive very hard to present a perfect front, of kindness, generosity, abundance and brilliance, and holding a mirror to their shortcomings can be extremely challenging. They can react in extreme ways to reasonable criticism, often flying into anger, rage or aggression, or withdrawal and shame.
Impacts of NPD on others
Living with an NPD can be extremely difficult and draining, and if forced over extended periods of time may almost certainly trigger some degree of complex trauma (C-PTSD). Relationships with narcissists tend to be marked by ups and downs, transactional, unstable and fraught. Impact on children can be substantial also. For adults here are the main impacts:
- Emotional Exhaustion: The never-ending demands for attention and the constant “double standard” of narcissistic supply wreak havoc on partners. The emotional impact is both acute (actual mental exhaustion and frustration) and more chronic (erosion of emotional and moral compass, walking on eggshells, plummeting sense of self-worth etc.)
- Loss of self-worth and damage to self-image: Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be particularly damaging to the long-term self-worth and self-image of partners, as NPD’s will typically tend to downplay the achievements of those around them, their meaning, difficulty or impact. This continuous “rigging of the scale”, the NPD denying partner efforts and exaggerating their own, is often further leveraged to justify extra privilege to the narcissist.
- Toxic relations: The general levels of everyday abuse and manipulation used by an NPD to secure their narcissistic supply almost automatically creates abusive and exploitative behaviours, typical of toxic relations.
Narcissism (NPD) – Treatments
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is complex to treat and typically requires intervention of a qualified therapist, over a significant timeline. Progress can be slow and irregular. The most critical success factor when it comes to treating NPD people themselves, is their willingness to admit to their behaviour and show true desire for change.
NPD individuals willing to acknowledge their issues and their impacts on their loved ones benefit most, depending on context, from CBT, Gestalt or Awareness/Mindfulness-based therapeutic approaches.
Treatments often center on the partners of NPD individuals whether they be their wife, son, boss or lover, using the same tools. In their case though the outcome sought is different it usually centers around rebuilding their emotional strength and worldview. Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be a truly bruising, fairly traumatic experience for others around the NPD. NPD’s can be extremely manipulative and prolonged intimate exposure is virtually guaranteed to leave the partner with some emotional trauma (damage to self worth, self image, poor decision making, learned helplessness).
Conclusion
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a common personality disorder, causing severe distress to loved ones and life partners (at work, home, family, etc.). As for most “Cluster B” (DSM5-TR) Personality Disorders, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is “sticky” and challenging to treat, though it is possible. However, individuals affected by NPD often struggle to realise the impact of their action, somehow justify their behaviour with specious arguments, and oftentimes refuse to attend therapy.
For partners and survivors of NPD individual, private therapy is typically recommended to first equip the patient with better awareness of NPD behaviour and coping skills, as well in the longer run, supporting the patient relearn sound boundaries, and fair expectations in relations.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder trauma is extensive, since the personality disorder affects the NPD individual 24/7, in their cognition, in how they see fairness, in how they justify immediately their manipulative behaviour. There is no specific area where the NPD will show hypersubjectivity, which can be common in most of us when we have specific passion for example. For the NPD, the whole world, and its resources, are somehow “due” to them.
NPD partners therefore tend to create a lot of arguments and friction in relations. NPD individuals have little qualm using their partners to secure attention or resources, leaving toxic trauma in their every day wake in the relation.
NPD individuals dole out a “death of a thousand cuts” applying the same general double standard to most collaborative, negotiated resources and decision making. In the long run, the impact of NPD on their partners is particularly extensive, as survivors typically learn to “walk on eggshells” rather than incur the enormous amount of friction, should they address every unfair NPD behaviour. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is in this sense, profoundly damaging to partners.
