NPD is a personality disorder (Cluster B – DSM5) characterised by grandiose behaviour, painful need for recognition, manipulating to secure resources or attention, lacking empathy and appropriate boundaries.
What is Narcissistic Supply?
The key driver behind these behaviours can be grouped under the label of “Narcissistic Supply”, a spectrum of actions, words, narrative control and general manipulation so that their ego is fed status, resources, attention.
Narcissistic Supply is important to understand, as it is a sort of bedrock that will power the NPD towards poor boundaries, fraught relations and conflicts. NPD’s narcissistic supply can be a direct source of conflict if the level of supply is judged too low by the narcissist’s (usually unreasonable) standard. An individual with NPD would therefore act in ways that can seem baffling, such as starting fights for seemingly trivial matters. For an NPD a fight will a) at least provide attention to them b) may be a source of negotiated leverage for more supply.
NPD also have lower empathy and sense of boundaries, which also means that they are more likely to engage in conflictual behaviour or say truly hurtful things during arguments. Narcissistic supply also influences how NPD’s fight. Generally speaking, they are too mindful of their status to have arguments, or even a terse conversation in any public place. Their abuse and arguments are very private generally, while most people will, to a point, remain authentic and express some frustration even in a public situation.
Angels & Demons in Narcissistic Supply
Without sufficient supply the narcissist starves for admiration and power. The inner life of NPD individuals is often barren and mildly depressive, with poor sense of self-worth. Their relentless quest for attention and validation can be seen as an attempt to hide their true self behind an exterior of glamour, perfection, wealth and superiority.
NPD individuals can alternate through “angels and demons” cycles, as they may seduce one day, and use the same person the next. In order to get attention and admiration NPD individuals have learned to be amazingly generous at times (often in public situations) and charming, “blurring the cards” for their partners. Best friends one day, sworn enemies the next, narcissistic supply propels the NPD through fraught and abusive relations, and changing allegiances.
Narcissistic Supply: Manifestations and Behaviours
Narcissistic supply is essentially unfair, it is how the NPD justify all the abuse they unleash while on a quest for their exaggerated demands. And so NPD individuals typically develop a set of “tools” and abusive patterns that are most effective at securing preferential treatment and resources:
- Materialistic drive & Quest for power: NPD individuals love gathering expensive things, top of the line apparel, name-drop and leverage that if possible (Instagram, Tinder, etc.) Their behaviour reveals often that they seem people as objects, at least perfectly moral in their view to be used so they gain their goal. NPD love powerful, rich people.
- Devaluation and Criticism: NPD individuals often, basically enjoy putting others down as in their competitive worldview, it makes them feel better. But narcissists are also experts at flipping things on their head, and rarely miss an opportunity during an argument to launch personal attacks. They can also routinely use truly unfair and provoking arguments, either to “win” the argument or provoke their partner, in which case they will blame all on the partner if she/he shows frustration. But it goes beyond arguments and direct criticism, narcissists often find ways to blame their actions as perpetrators, on their victim, as being the victim’s fault. Their extreme subjectivity and tolerance for arguments often means that their partners “walk on eggshells”, their own moral compass eroding under the relentless challenges. They often end up believing they were responsible, which is in that state, a fairly extreme form of abuse.
- Charm & Seduction: NPD driven by their narcissistic supply will have no problem parading, prancing and flirting to seduce, especially new people. Somehow, you may notice, the attraction of “blank canvass” new person in the life of the NPD is irresistible: They, initially at least, often feel like they have to charm them. By seducing the NPD is charming but enjoys the attention also given to them. To the NPD, charming a new person does two key things, more than for the average of us. It gives them a) a stronger ego-boost, and b) stronger sense of early control on a new actor in their life.
- Manipulation : Narcissistic supply means essentially that NPD are more prone to manipulation as they have a higher need for attention and resources, and less qualms about using people or crossing boundaries. However, given their keen sense of public narrative, narcissists tend to prefer nebulous and faceless manipulation. For example, rather than outright lying in a situation, they would typically prefer to “lie by omission” i.e. leave out the one key element that changes the whole story… Technically they did not lie… And they will have their excuse ready, at the ready, when they get caught. “Ah sorry I thought uou were asking about this or that… I would have told you otherwise…”
Long-term consequences
Narcissistic supply is effectively a substantial source of emotional exhaustion and hurt for the people living around the narcissist. The impact is profound and long lasting, as anyone living for extended periods with a true narcissist and their constant need for supply, will be changed in their worldview and boundaries.
Narcissistic supply needs to be fed, and using the word “drain” to describe its influence on others, is almost literal. The NPD never fights fair, and things are never 50/50. So, someone will have to pay the difference, with their dignity, their money, their time, their status. In terms of mental health, NPD is particularly impactful disorder for others, and partners of NPD.
However, narcissistic supply also hurts the narcissist, something to always bear in mind. They are also the ones going through negative push-backs, hurtful relations and emotional instability, seemingly enslaved to that narcissistic supply. Their personal relations tend to lack authenticity and stability. When one of two romantic partners is NPD it is important to realise safely, how the condition hurts both. Developing a higher awareness of boundaries, narcissistic behaviours and triggers can create a space in couple therapy where more “win-win” scenarios can be identified and intimacy rebuilt.
Therapeutic protocols
Treating NPD and specifically reliance on narcissistic supply requires a sophisticated therapeutic protocol, often long and complex. Treating NPD itself is more challenging than treating NPD trauma on partners, and uses similar approaches and strategies:
- CBT – Private therapy: CBT and therapy around emotional awareness can help identify and modify cognitive and behavioural patterns towards more equity, more self-management.
- Group Therapy: Group dynamics can be a great source of awareness building for narcissists. Having to negotiate a common social experience together, narcissists given a safe and structured place can learn more about their actions, body language or words and how they can be considered hurtful or manipulative. NPD’s can learn and practice better social, behavioural, coping and adaptation strategies.
- Empathy Development & Self-Introspection: Some guided introspective work can help develop awareness and empathy, reducing reliance on narcissistic supply and enhancing relation quality.
Conclusion
Narcissistic Supply is the “Heart of darkness” that skews the behaviours of NPD individuals who have otherwise qualities of their own, but which become blurred behind the noise. Understanding better how narcissistic supply works is essential to engage NPD individuals more productively and provide lasting support and improvement.
NPD can be slow and challenging to treat but an empathic and persevering approach can open up safer and healthier relations, based on a more authentic self-esteem and sense of self.
