Narcissist meaning and every day symptoms
Narcissistic traits can be hard to spot, if at least because real narcissist (NPD) are gifted at projecting a perfect image. They are also fairly fluent in manipulation, controlling the narrative, rewriting history, and covering their tracks.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a Cluster B disorder in the DSM-5. Narcissistic traits manifest typically as: lowered empathy towards others, need for admiration, tendency to violate sound boundaries in order to manipulate and/or secure extra resources, status, attention. Unstable attachment style.
However, as narcissists develop contact with others around them, some point comes when their behavior triggers gut-feeling and intuition. “He looks lovely but I can’t trust him”. “She does so many great things but somehow I can’t relax in her presence”. Our intuition is often the first one to somehow see through.
Here are in detail, a list of the 7 most revealing narcissistic traits in everyday life, in relationships at work or at home. Narcissists (NPD) tend to follow the same general patterns, up and down, different at home and in public, different between their words and actions.
Time tends to inevitably reveal the patterns of the narcissist, but early identification can be extremely helpful.
1) Hypersubjectivity as meta narcissitic trait
We start with this one as it is a big one, which in many way, feeds all the others: Narcissists tend to see the whole world slanted in their favour.
Let’s illustrate with a real life simple example. Imagine a disagreement in a couple. The “fair” situation between two partners is say “50%/50%” for simplicity. And in their arguments, each partner demands it goes 60%/40% in their favour, either supporting the favour with arguments or denying there is one.
This is a common, broad situation in couple therapy, and negotiating more clearly, authentically and productively that 20% difference is a great outcome for partners that can lead to lifelong improvement in relationship quality.
However, when one of the protagonists is NPD, their natural expectation may be somewhere, to simplify, 80/20 in their favor. A differential of that size will obviously create regular arguments, as the partner will often push back on the justification and narrative the narcissist uses to protect that ongoing imbalance.
The NPD will stick staunchly to their guns, pretend it is a fair 50/50, and may yet try and play the victim who is short-changed.
Hypersensitivity and hypersubjectivity as narcissistic traits are sometimes also somehow equated with “narcissistic supply”. Narcissistic supply refers to all the extra, or unfair expectations of the narcissist, what they need to be fed to feel somewhat ok. Much of the narcissistic abuse can be examined directly by looking what kind of supply it provides to the narcissist.
This profound drive for more than their fair share, in essence, is the vital energy that powers them to want more, find more justifications for inappropriate behaviour, use people, violate boundaries, etc. It is maybe the most fundamental of all narcissistic traits, powering behavior, abuse, manipulation, excuses.
It also makes them famously difficult to problem-solve with during arguments. They have less empathy for boundaries, so can say truly shocking things, whilst truly believe, on one level at least, in how they should get preferential treatment.
2) Obstinate refusal to own their actions and behaviours
One of the simplest most obvious traits of narcissists, one we experienced at some point, is their inability to admit their wrongs or own their behaviours even in obvious situations.
We have all met someone like that before, displaying a truly incredible ability to deny obvious behaviour.
Owning your behavior and weaknesses is challenging for anyone. It is similar to what Carl Jung calls “the painful process of individuation”: Owning yourself, including your “shadow”. To Jung, this is one of the most painful, difficult yet crucial life task anyone must face, owning your full persona to Jung, is the basis to true spiritual growth.
For the narcissist (NPD) owning their behavior when it is not a source of status or attention, let alone a source humbling is particularly upsetting and difficult.
At root, the narcissist sees things in their favour (see hypersubjectivity). They also require more narcissistic supply, to get the sense of admiration they crave, often to allay a limited inner life. Finally they typically display lower empathy, so they will not hesitate to say outlandish things during arguments, or deny things for toxic amounts of time.
3) A key narcissistic trait: Pointscoring, Transactionality
Narcissists very commonly show a “scorecard” approach to relations: They keep track of the good actions they did, and can use these to call in favours or legitimate inappropriate behavior. There are many fundamental issues with point-scoring in relations:
- Even if the “tally” of good/bad actions of each partner is balanced and honest, you still end up with a set of transactions, not a relation. In many ways, the opposite of a relation. Real relations are always challenging but involve a degree of “blind trust” and unconditional love towards each other. Narcissists by comparison can usually only do conditional love.
- The “tally” as kept by a narcissist, tends to be structurally wildly skewed in their favour and that is obviously a big problem in a relation. Narcissists are always a bit on a warpath, accumulating evidence here, rewriting history there. In essence, they tend to work to exaggerate their contribution and sacrifices, whilst diminishing that of their partner.
4) Extreme difference between private and public life, image
Everyone reasonable shows awareness of their context, and may behave somewhat differently in public or public office. However, for the narcissist this difference can be much more extreme. They tend to assign an exaggerated importance to their public image, and show extreme differences in behavior between public and private spheres.
The public image is directly dear to them and their grandiose need, but good image is also is a key tool for manipulation, to secure more resources. Narcissists can be much more manipulative cold and brutal in their private world when “no one’s looking”. Narcissists tend to behave charmingly in public, and can shapeshift easily from one mood to another if need be. They may be worried about something or depressed, but if they go in the limelight they become radiant.
This is to be contrasted with their private life, one in which they can also behave wildly differently. Relations with narcissists tend to be fraught. NPD narcissists can say truly shocking personal attacks during arguments. They can also be caught in obvious manipulation or gaslighting and deny all in block for years.
This stark contrast between a radiant, charming image and occasional fury / private abuse is one of the most common narcissistic traits.
5) High tolerance for arguments / Regular friction
Narcissistic traits naturally contribute to fraught relations with partners of NPD. Since narcissists need to get their “supply”, and since they have little qualm violating boundaries or manipulating to get it, mean that partners often have to bring up uncomfortable truths, typically brushed off by the NPD.
NPD by their own behavior create ongoing friction, and make that friction exponentially worse by often using unfair claims or personal attacks during arguments. As a result, relations are structurally fraught. The “supply” in question is rarely specific (like say someone lying exceptionally for something they are truly passionate about). NPD want more, attention, things, money, more than their share, all the time.
Narcissistic traits here also include a final reason why narcissists tend to fight regularly: They also see the fight as a way to further agenda, and can often be observed provoking their partner/opponent so they lose their cool, and can then retreat undefeated because “you are crazy / I cant talk to you when you are like that”.
Narcissists finally have lowered levels of empathy, which on top of all the above, also makes them more “resilient” to fights. Most people because distraught after a few real arguments and will have to incur emotional cost, which may weaken their position or will to argue.
6) Predatory behavior as narcissistic trait
Narcissism (NPD) is an all encompassing personality disorder found not only in internal psychology of the narcissist (envy, manipulation) but also turned outwardly. Covert narcissist or openly narcissistic behavior all tend to select life partners along specific, occasionally predatory like factors.
Narcissists are only partly conscious themselves of their predatory like selection criteria. Lacking empathy, narcissists see people “at root” in their primary worldview, more as sources of recognition or resources than individuals with their own psychology and needs.
Typical traits that narcissists look in a partner include:
- Partner shows principle: Narcissists know intuitively that someone naturally principled will “yield” a lot more resources, than say, a fellow calculating narcissist.
- Partner will at some point “push back”: Ironically (and related to first point above), narcissists do not mind an argument. With lower empathy, they can argue, quite literally, all day and all night, and are famous for it, often winning an argument by exhaustion. Arguing also allows them to indulge in typical grandiose narcissist behavior (victim fetish, narrative control) and typically leads to very little learning or change.
- Partner has some degree of success: We all like a successful partner, but narcissists more so. They like to be included in a collective sense on success, whether they actually contributed to it or not.
- Partner is willing to tolerate imbalance in willingness to discuss openly personal matters: The narcissist tends to be highly aware of the value of personal information. They may not share much of their own, often communicating vaguely and insularly, but routinely make use of partner personal information to further personal goals.
- Partner is empathic, patient or kind: Here also narcissists sense full well that someone empathic and kind will be easier to get away with murder with. Similarly, patience is highly prized by narcissists as it extends their abusive behavior time.
- Partner shows flexible or weak boundaries:
7) Regular violation of boundaries, and boundaries testing
Narcissistic traits tend to revolve around manipulation, usage of others without consideration for their own psychological needs. Narcissists (NPD) directly, regularly infringe on healthy boundaries, like for example when they demand preferential treatment or that someone sides with them in a specious argument with a third party.
They can also infringe on boundaries in a more deliberate, long term way, by testing regularly the patience and actual boundaries of their partner, to get a better sense of what they can really get away with.
Sometimes their testing can be open, such as when they claim a wild story, only to blame their partner “for being so gullible” if they showed a modicum of interest or belief. Some narcissists can be extremely talented at manipulation, trauma bonding and other blame-shifting, making relations generally high in friction.
Close relationships with narcissists can also follow fairly regular “up and down” patterns, mostly led by the narcissist’s actions. One day they may go too far, love-bomb to retreat for a while, and as soon as a bit of calm or trust is restored, start manipulating again increasingly, until the next crisis.
Partners either leave or tend to adapt somehow to the regular demands of the narcissists, often at substantial cost (walking on eggshells, depression, etc.)
8) Trauma bonding behavior – Narcissistic traits as reinforcement
Pain and attachment can be paradoxical, and narcissists seems to innately know that. Victims of narcissists may yet develop growing attachment towards the narcissist, despite ongoing abuse.
Trauma bonding is a paradoxical but widely documented phenomenon. Psychologically, trauma bonds are similar to the bonds that develop in hostage situations, famously described in the Stockholm Syndrome.
Central to trauma-bonding is the alternation of abuse and reward. Intermittent reinforcement of abuse and kindness creates a powerful emotional bond, akin to gambling addiction.
Intermittent reinforcement and the effect of random rewards on an individual have long found them to be extremely effective at creating addiction-like behaviors, in the gaming industry particularly. Narcissistic traits such as poor boundaries, low emotional stability and limited empathy act as “naturally occurring” reinforcements for trauma bonding.
The abuser’s unpredictable responses are crucial; the sporadic moments of kindness or affection are perceived as highly rewarding amidst the abuse, reinforcing the victim’s loyalty and love.
Trauma bonding is often related, but not identical to what is commonly called “love bombing”. Love bombing is only one aspect of trauma bonding. Others include neglecting the partner until they comply, denying affection, personal attack to lower self-esteem, etc.
Narcissistic traits themselves can play a “natural” role in terms of generating trauma-bonding: Their blame-shifting, manipulative and self-centered behaviors can create ongoing trauma bonding outright.
They are adept at creating an illusion of love and attention, only to withdraw it suddenly and without warning. This “push-pull” dynamic is typical of narcissistic relationships (and BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder) and is particularly effective in creating trauma bonds.
The narcissist’s ability to idealize and then devalue their partner ensures that the victim remains on an emotional rollercoaster, constantly seeking approval and affection while fearing rejection and disdain.
