Love, often considered one of life’s greatest mysteries, has intrigued humanity for millennia. Poets, writers, and philosophers have tried to capture its essence, its dynamics and yet it remains elusive and enigmatic.
Even common wisdom or language seem unable to provide keys to understanding. Do we become attracted to someone “like us”? Or do “opposites attract”? Do we “always marry our mother or father?” (a common saying outlining the influence of our early educators and models on lifelong preferences). Or the opposite? There is little accepted knowledge about the laws of attraction.
The self-expansion model was theorised and developed by American psychologist Arthur Aron, who lectures at New York State University – Stony brook. He dedicated his career to elucidating this mystery, and by extension, to what binds us, what keeps couples together, and why do they form. His groundbreaking research, co-researched with his wife who is also a psychologist, led to the “36 questions that lead to love.” Their research is wider however, and to give it a fair introduction we must also speak first of his self-expansion model.
Arthur Aron’s self-expansion model
The self-expansion model is a psychological and philosophical framework exploring why and how individuals become attracted to another and develop intimate relationships. The self-expansion model suggests that a primary motivator for romantic relationships is the desire to expand the self and enhance one’s effectiveness and potential in life.
In that sense, the expansion in question is extensive, including not just personal gain or better odds of success in a couple, but also a desire to expand one’s own self. This model posits that individuals get into relationships that provide opportunities for growth, new experiences and an expansion of their self-awareness and self-concept.
5 principles behind self-expansion model:
- Inclusion of other in the self: Self-expansion involves the unique possibility of including the other in our self, in our empathy, in our intimacy, in the meaning we develop as a couple enjoying similar interests and values. As people form close relations, they begin to see their partner’s needs, perspectives, resources, and identities as part of their own self-concept. The commonality and contrast it creates, leads to a deeper sense of who they are, expanding awareness.
- Goals & skills for self-expansion: According to the self-expansion model, a fundamental human motivation is to enhance one’s ability to accomplish goals, which often involves expanding the self and creating new relations. Relationships are seen as a key way to achieve this through shared experiences, dealing with new perspectives, acquiring new skills or traits from the partner.
- Increased attraction through shared novel experiences: The self-expansion model posits that sharing novel, arousing experiences with someone can create new attraction. Learning and experiencing new activities together can accelerate relationship development by intensifying emotional bonds and facilitating self-expansion.
- Relationship satisfaction and self-expansion: Self expansion individuals have some awareness that the quality of their relation directly impacts their potential for growth and self-expansion. When relationships continue to provide growth and self-expansion, they tend to be more fulfilling and stabler.
- Flexibility of application, beyond romantic relationships: While the self-expansion model was initially developed to explain romantic attraction and love, its principles have been applied to other types of relations, e.g. friendships, family relations. The desire for self-expansion can motivate the creation and upkeep of different types of close relations.
Arthur Aron and his colleagues have conducted numerous studies to test and refine the self-expansion model, including interventions designed to enhance relationship satisfaction by fostering shared novel experiences among partners. Their research has contributed significantly to our understanding of relational dynamics, formation, development, maintenance, and emphasises the role of personal growth and self-expansion in the psychology of love and attraction.
Self-expansion model and the 36 questions that lead to love
The self-expansion model is the lesser known framework, from which the famous “36 questions that lead to love” were derived, in practical terms. Aron’s work, developed in collaboration with his colleagues, aimed to explore the intricacies of human connection and intimacy. The premise was simple yet profound: through a structured series of questions, individuals could accelerate the process of getting to know one another, fostering deeper levels of understanding and potentially even inspiring love.
The 36 questions are meticulously crafted to guide participants through a journey of self-disclosure and vulnerability. Divided into three sets, these questions start with innocuous inquiries before gradually delving into more personal and intimate topics. From pondering ideal dinner guests to sharing one’s deepest fears and regrets, the progression is designed to facilitate emotional closeness and trust.
At the heart of Aron’s research lies the concept of mutual self-disclosure, a fundamental component of intimate relationships. As individuals share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with one another, they forge bonds of trust and connection. The structured nature of the 36 questions serves to expedite this process, providing a framework for meaningful interaction and exploration.
Limitations to the 36 questions that lead to love
Yet, it’s important to recognize that the efficacy of these questions isn’t guaranteed. While Aron’s study famously resulted in marriage for one pair of participants, such outcomes are not universal. Love, after all, is a complex interplay of emotions, circumstances, and individual personalities. While the 36 questions may facilitate intimacy, they cannot manufacture genuine affection or attraction.
Objectively, if we posit that they work fully, their impact it must be understood, is not just to give a little “hand” to the process of falling in love with someone, by realising how much closer they might be than we imagined. It is also, simply, to try and direct partners to better matches, rather than spending time and resources with a potential mate who does not seem to be as compatible. Assessment alone can be helpful in that sense.
Adding further complexity, the structured format of the questions may not resonate with everyone. Some find the process contrived, pointless or artificial, preferring more organic forms of communication. Additionally, certain questions may evoke discomfort to those with past traumas, making the process hard to assess and compare like for like between respondents.
It is worth keeping these individual differences, and general context before inviting a (potential) couple to fill out the 36 questions, develop more awareness, safety, with intentionality and mindfulness in the respondent. Creating a safe and comfortable environment for open dialogue is essential, as is establishing clear boundaries and expectations. Active listening, empathy, and honesty are paramount, ensuring that both participants feel heard, respected, and understood.
Conclusion: Importance, limitations and value of the 36 questions that lead to love
Beyond the structured framework of the 36 questions, the principles underlying Aron’s research offer valuable insights into the dynamics of relationships. Communication, vulnerability, and trust are foundational elements of lasting love, transcending any specific set of questions or exercises. His research also makes plain a vital aspect of human life and psychology: The quality of our relationships is one of the largest predictors in terms of life expectancy (more than smoking; obesity) or life quality (more than money, or status).
In practice, the 36 questions serve as a tool—a catalyst for deeper exploration and connection. Whether they lead to love or simply facilitate meaningful conversation, their true value lies in their ability to spark introspection, foster empathy, and strengthen bonds between individuals. The 36 questions derived from the self-expansion model are best administered with the support of a couple or relationship counsellor, to help with the interpretation and keeping a safe environment at all times.
As we navigate the intricacies of love and relationships, let us remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Each connection is unique, shaped by the nuances of personality, circumstance, and shared experience. Whether we find ourselves embarking on the journey of the 36 questions or forging our path through more conventional means, may we do so with openness, authenticity, and a willingness to embrace the unknown
