Trauma bonding is a psychological concept that grew in popularity of late, though it is still often misunderstood.
It functions using complex, often paradoxical mechanics making it particularly damaging to the victim, who experiences profound confusion and loss of self-worth.
It is only observed in highly toxic, abusive and/or dysfunctional relations, as it involves regular emotional harm, co-dependence, existential loss and confusion, regular crossing of boundaries.
Trauma bonding is not only for romantic relations, and can also be present in familial or professional contexts.
What is trauma bonding?
Trauma bonding involves the creation of a strong emotional connection between a victim and a perpetrator, in an abusive context.
Trauma bonding as relation is characterised by cycles of abuse followed by cycles of reconciliation / love bombing, in plain modern lingo.
The alternation of ups and downs, as well as the randomness of state changes (from abuse to reconciliation or vice-versa) all concur to a growing “addiction” from the victim, who is deprived of enough clarity to assess the situation and break the cycle.
(On a side note, the link between randomness of reward, as well as cyclical positive/negative states on addiction, has long been studied in many fields, notably in gambling).
However, this relation is paradoxical and extremely hard to detect for the victim.
Trauma bonding is typical of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and as such, unsurprisingly, hinges on manipulation, which is common to both disorders.
Psychological origins and comorbidities of trauma bonding
The origins of trauma bonding in an individual, as a behavior (not a disorder) tend to come from early life neglect and abuse they themselves experienced. Early life emotional safety has a direct impact on attachment styles and potential.
Individuals using trauma bonding as manipulation have typically been deprived of psychological safety in their early years, and also been directly exposed/experienced trauma bonding typically from their own parents.
As a result they may “latch on” to that psychological manipulation as primary coping mechanism when feeling threatened (fear of abandonment, demands not being met, etc.) This early life neglect and abuse is integrated and reproduced, making them potential perpetrators.
Other individuals who were exposed to trauma bonding may however follow another path, tend to somehow “bond” emotionally more easily with that kind of behavior. This early life neglect and abuse is integrated and empathised with, making them potential victims.
This kind of abuse and reward creates a profound emotional confusion, reinforcing somehow the connection to the aggressor.
How does trauma bonding manifest?
- Emotional roller-coaster: Something highly common to BPD as a disorder. Victims of trauma bonding live highs and lows, oscillating between extremes of intense passion and profound despair.
- Abuse justification: This is both from the trauma bonding perpetrator who is typically quick to shift blame. It is also from the victim who tends to be an empath, who may respond by rationalising or minimalising the abuse.
- Social isolation: Trauma bonding just works better when the victim is more isolated. The perpetrator typically knows or senses this, and will often try to isolate the victim (criticising friends, asking for removal of friends on social media, etc.) The goal is to increase the emotional dependence of the victim and limit their external support
- Transactionality, point scoring: Perpetrators of trauma bonding trend towards the narcissistic spectrum and unsurprisingly tend to show lower empathy and higher transactionality. They struggle with healthy attachment, “keep score” but typically unfairly, as a basis to justify behavior, cycles, abuse, etc.
Impacts of trauma bonding on victims
Trauma bonding is a highly bruising and traumatising process to go through, dealing substantial harm to the victim, mentally but also occasionally physically.
Trauma bonding is extremely hard for the victim to identify as they experience it. It is also extremely damaging in terms of self-worth, and emotional stability. Victims reporting feelings of complete emotional exhaustion, shame, depression.
Hard cases of can also lead to PTSD/C-PTSD. The regularity of the abuse, as well as the lack of clarity are fertile grounds to post-traumatic disorder.
Finally trauma bonding can also lead to a wider inability to trust others, complicating and stunting potentially future relations. Regular boundary violations typically create future relational trust issues in the victim.
Trauma bonding in the real world can lead to catastrophic outcomes such as higher depression and suicide rates among the victims. Emotional and psychological aftermath is substantial in the victim and may be lifelong if untreated.
Trauma bonding comes with other severe co-morbidities and negative symptoms such as PTSD and C-PTSD, depression, anxiety, loss of self-worth and profound emotional/existential confusion.
Healing and resilience strategies
Treatment is essentially about a vicious circle that needs to be identified, examined, and broken. It is however a gradual and supportive process that requires specialist care.
Trauma bonding builds a strong sense of emotional addiction in the victim, as well as profound confusion, which cannot be reasonably treated overnight.
It is however a healing process with immediate, incremental gain, starting typically with a higher understanding of the current relation, its cycles, their contexts and sub-plots.
The key therapeutic outcomes your therapist should aim for are at minimum:
- Emotional support and empathy: Perpetrators keep a strong hold on the patient during initial consultations, and as always in therapy, the empathy of your therapist will provide a safe space for you to share, realise, practice, experiment, learn.
- Higher awareness and understanding: Much of therapy is about giving the victim, a metaphorical torchlight so they can orient themselves and exit the exhausting roller-coaster maze. Once they can see clearly the cycles, the abuse, the love-bombing, boundary violations, the blame-shifting and other pivotal strategies, victims tend to report vastly increased life outcomes.
- Rebuilding self-worth: Therapists do not tell you what to do. They give you much more than that: resources, awareness, and tools. You are always in the driving seat. But your therapist should critically aim to bring your attention to your reasonable successes and strengths, as they tend to be typically downplayed and questioned by the trauma bonding perpetrator.
- Foster social interactions and support: Here again a therapist likely will not tell you what to do specifically, but will bring a gentle attention to the need you may have to rebuild your social connections and propose helpful strategies.
Conclusion
Trauma bonding is a painful and complex reality for the victims involving structural abuse and dependence, long term emotional damage and existential despair. Trauma bonding can be treated in the perpetrator though they may typically (as for many BPD, NPD, or ASPD) refuse to attend therapy.
For victims, the impact of trauma bonding typically as part of a wider narcissistic narrative, is highly treatable though it may take time, and a degree of patience. It operates at gut-level, corrupts our sound intuition over time, and as such, can take time to be fully expunged.
Victims following private therapy will typically build higher awareness of trauma bonding, its cycles and contexts, goals and blames. They will also gradually rediscover healthy boundaries and a truer sense of their self-worth.
Understanding the underlying symptoms and mechanics of trauma bonding can save lives and restore the dignity of the victims who have been locked in destructive relations.
